A unity candle ceremony is a wedding ritual which uses lighted candles to symbolise the uniting of a couple in marriage. It’s one of my favourite symbolic rituals, because it’s simple, meaningful and unpretentious. It adds an extra dimension to a wedding ceremony, it looks beautiful and everyone gets it.

It’s typically used for the wedding couple, but it can represent the uniting of the couple’s two families through marriage. I also like to use it to include step-children into a second marriage. The unity candle, with individual candles for all the children, expresses the children’s importance within the new family: all together, equally loved and special.

I might also offer a unity candle as part of a celebration of life, to express how the person who has died is still at the heart of the family, loved and remembered.

Why candles?

There’s something special about a candle. Its flickering flame and subtle colours of yellow, orange and blue draw us in. A candle is an ancient symbol of dispelling darkness or negative energy and bringing in light, or positive energy. A candle radiates warmth and calm. Candles are often associated with love and romance. What would a romantic dinner for two be without a candle? Some people worry that candles are a bit ‘churchy’ for them, but in a modern ceremony context, they really aren’t.

And the last reason I like it, is because a unity candle has its own life, beyond your special day. You can light it again on your wedding anniversary, family reunions Christmas Day (or your equivalent celebration), or birthdays. It will always remind you of the first moment you lit it and the significance of that day. It’s a lovely memory when things are going well, and it might be a good visual ‘reset’, when you’re having a bad day/getting on each other’s nerves!!

How does the ceremony work?

In a wedding ceremony, I feel the best moment for a unity candle ceremony is after the vows and the exchange of rings. It’s meaningful at this point, as we’re looking ahead to the future.

I explain to your guests that you have chosen a unity candle ceremony to symbolise your combined personalities, hopes and intentions for your marriage. For most people, this will be new to them and they won’t have seen it before, so I’m careful to make sure they feel included.

I’ll invite you to light your individual candles and then after I’ve said some blessing words that I’ve written for you personally, you’ll light the unity candle together. It can be done in a quiet, reflective way, or in a spirit of happiness and celebration, depending on the atmosphere you want to create.

For a celebration of life, I would want to light the candle at the beginning, as a visual reminder that the person who has died, is always with us, in memory, or in spirit – according to your beliefs.

What do you need for a unity candle ceremony?

You will need two or more smaller candles to symbolise you as a couple, or more, if you’re including other family members. You’ll also need one large unity pillar candle. The unity candle needs to be on a stand; the smaller candles can be in candlesticks, or you just want the unity candle to burn, you can just extinguish the dinner candles and lay them down. It does look good having them all burning together, but it’s your choice.

You can find some beautiful candles on Etsy. Some have natural themes, some are personalised, there are carved styles, minimalist styles and super-swanky- bling styles.

Things to bear in mind

A ritual should always feel right for you and how you are. Don’t have one for the sake of it. The unity candle ceremony is very versatile, but it’s not going to be right for everyone.

Candles are hopeless outside, unless you are using a hurricane lamp. Even so, the slightest gust of wind could blow them out, which is not the symbolism we’re looking for! Bright sunshine also makes the unity candle ceremony hard to see and therefore less effective. For an outdoor summer wedding ritual, I’d probably suggest a sand ceremony, or a hand-fasting instead.

If children are involved, you need some kind of candle drip protectors or guards, to stop hot wax spilling on their hands. Small children obviously need close supervision.

Check that your venue is OK with candles, especially if it’s a historic building. I haven’t had a problem yet, but it’s best to check.

Where to buy:

Etsy

AgaMakesCandles

Susabellas

LanaCarvedCandles

Candles2Cherish

That’s probably everything you need to know about a unity candle ceremony. If you didn’t know what one was, I hope I’ve enlightened you (haha) and inspired you to consider having one in your wedding ceremony or celebration.

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What is the origin of handfasting?

The word comes from Old Norse ‘handfesta’ which means making a bond or striking a deal, by the joining of hands. The word became ‘handfasting’ in Old English, as spoken by the Anglo-Saxons and it evolved to mean the joining of hands in marriage.

Like other traditional practices, handfasting was absorbed into church ritual. These days, at a church wedding, you’ll still see a form of handfasting. After the couple has said their vows, the priest will wrap their hands together in the stole he/she’s wearing and say the traditional and rather wonderful words: “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder”.

Who chooses a handfasting?

The answer is anyone and everyone – there are no boundaries of age, belief, style or tradition. You might think it’s just for pagans, or medieval re-enacters but a handfasting suits a stately home wedding as much as a festival wedding. If a handfasting appeals to you – go for it! There are so many ways to make it your own.

Handfasting for a wedding, commitment ceremony or renewal of vows

A handfasting can form part of a wedding, commitment ceremony or a renewal of vows. It can feature with or without a legal marriage or an exchange or rings.

Within a wedding, a handfasting adds an extra dimension to the sealing of your vows. Other members of the family or the bridal party can get involved.

For a commitment ceremony, handfasting is a significant, modern way to express your love, regardless of whether you ever want to be married. You don’t need to exchange rings – just bring your desire to be committed.

If you want to renew your vows, a handfasting enriches your original marriage ceremony, without taking away or replacing. We can use vows and colours from your wedding day, or do something that reflects who you are now. On a practical note, a handfasting allows you to keep your wedding rings on. That might not seem a big issue but speaking personally, after 20 years of marriage, my wedding ring is a lot snugger than it used to be!

How does a handfasting work?

At the heart of the ceremony, either during the marriage vows, or just after, the wedding couple will join hands. With this gesture, they are signalling their wish to be united in marriage. I wrap their clasped hands with the handfasting ribbons and say the blessing words. Afterwards, I slide the ribbons off, forming a knot and in this way, the couple has literally “tied the knot”.

And then everyone applauds!

What do you need for a handfasting?

Firstly, you don’t need to use ribbons – you can use cords, braids, lace or ribbons plaited together. If you have crafty or artistic friends who want to paint/knit/crochet/embroider your ribbons, that would be incredible wouldn’t it? Any kind of textile, or fabric which wraps around your hands will work well. You might use upholstery silk skeins, climbing ropes or even garden twine!

Whatever you choose, your ribbons need to be at least 1.5 metres in length. You can have as many ribbons as you like – often three are used but there are no rules. It looks good if the ribbons are similar width, which presents an even finish when they are tied. If you like, you can sew charms onto the ribbons to make them even more personal.

You can create the ribbons yourself, or you can hunt out specialist suppliers. I have a particular weakness for ribbon shops. The creative, colourful world of  VV Rouleaux  is like heaven to me!

If you prefer cords, Ceotha based in Edinburgh offers beautiful hand-crafted cords including the beach-themed ones below.

Can family and friends be part of a handfasting?

Yes – absolutely! I love it when people close to the couple want to get involved. You could ask your family or friends to choose your handfasting ribbons – whatever they feel expresses something about you as a couple. Alternatively, the ribbons can represent their wishes or blessings for your marriage. During the ceremony, they can be responsible for the ribbons and lay them over your arms. They may wish to say something about their choice. They can even tie the knot for you, with a bit of practice first!

Inspiration for your handfasting ribbons

You don’t need to be creative to make wonderful handfasting ribbons – you just need to decide on a theme for them. Start with the most important people and passions in your life and go from there. To help you get inspired, here are some things that your handfasting ribbons might express:

• Your past, present and future – represented in colours or different fabrics
• Your personalities eg yellow for happy, blue for thoughtful, red for passionate, silver for fun
• Promises for your marriage eg fur fabric for nurturing; elastic for trust; climbing cord for courage; gold ribbon for success and so on
• Shared passions eg a paw print ribbon for your love of your pets, a glittery one for your good times, the colours of your favourite sports team
• Your dreams, hopes and adventures
• The colours of your wedding scheme
• Special people – a ribbon for your children, grandchildren and so on
• Social, sports groups or faith communities that mean a lot to you
• Souvenirs from your travels, like these fabrics below, from Guatemala

There are so many ideas. Have fun thinking what would work perfectly for you! I will love helping you with suggestions too if I am your celebrant.

After the wedding and honeymoon is over, you can keep your ribbons in a memory box, frame them, or rework them into something else. I love the thought of the ribbons woven through a twisted willow wreath. I have a super-creative couple getting married next year and they are going to make a Welcome Home wreath with their handfasting ribbons. It will all be decorated with beads and charms, which sounds amazing. I can’t wait to see it!

Do check out my website for more information on weddings or you can find more wedding inspiration on Pinterest.

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