If you’re mulling this over, it might feel like you have two equally unappealing choices. Either you take your child to the funeral and risk them being upset, or leave them at school, feeling excluded. It sounds like a lose-lose, doesn’t it.

Our concerns about taking a child to a funeral

We all want to protect children from any potentially unpleasant or negative experiences. We think a funeral might make them feel too sad, seeing other people crying. They might feel afraid of the hearse, the black-suited bearers – the gloomy trappings of death. They might feel intimidated by so many new people and the unfamiliar surroundings. They might feel confused about where their relative is and what death actually means. Plus, there’s a lot of general fear, and creepy superstition around death, which really doesn’t help at all.

Why it’s good for children to go to funerals

As a celebrant, with experience of many funerals, I’m confident that children of all ages can benefit enormously from attending these ceremonies. With the comfort and love of their family, they learn vital life lessons about how we celebrate and mourn our loved ones when they die. The advice from experts and child bereavement charities is also that grief may be stalled if children don’t go to funerals, causing them emotional problems in the future.  I observed this when preparing a funeral for a father of 3 grown up children. These siblings (now in their 60s) told me how their mum had died while they were teenagers, and they hadn’t been allowed to go to her funeral. They had never properly grieved for her. Fifty years later, we created a space for that  unexpressed love and sadness, within their father’s funeral. It was very cathartic and emotional.

There may be times when it’s not appropriate for children to go to funerals and if they don’t want to go, that’s fine. If you don’t want them to go, it’s worth considering the reasons and whether there’s a way for them to come, so everyone benefits.

How to prepare a child for a funeral

What I’ve learned is that children usually cope very well at  funerals. Here are a few tips based on my experiences.

Get them involved with planning the funeral. Instead of putting emphasis on smart new clothes, which sends out a ‘party’ message, encourage them to contribute to the service or wake.  Children may like to share their memories, draw a picture or put a flower on the coffin.

Tell them what will happen. Show them pictures of the venue, the hearses, the funeral director and the service sheet, so they know what to expect.

Reassure them about things that won’t happen. Children have vivid imaginations, so answer their questions honestly. Let them know that the coffin lid is securely closed; a cremator is not scary – just like a large brick pizza oven, and they won’t see any fire or flames. They might be surprised that a funeral isn’t even half as long as their favourite film and then they’ll be heading off for sandwiches and cake. Forget the sandwiches, just the cake.

Humanise the process. Tell them about the personality of the funeral director; that the bearers are all grandads and only wear black out of respect. Talk about how you chose the flowers and who’ll be doing them, and who the celebrant is and what their role is. I find children are much more relaxed at the funeral when they’ve met me beforehand, on their home territory.

Talk about the bigger picture. Children often want to talk about what happens after death, so they feel comforted that their relative is safe and not lost. It’s helpful for them to explore different perspectives that might be different from your own, so that in time, they can develop their own viewpoint.

Express your feelings. Children, especially young children pick up on the atmosphere at a funeral, without always understanding the emotions. Let them know it’s normal to feel different ones – ranging from sadness that grandad has died, to laughing about a funny story. Children switch between emotions faster than adults, which is their way of coping. You can help your child understand that grief is manageable and everything will be OK.

On the day

Take something for your child to do, in case the service is long. You’ll notice that crematoria and churches are a lot more relaxed these days, so try not to worry about your child(ren). If their chat is very loud and disruptive, someone can be appointed to distract them, or go outside with them.

By taking your child to a funeral, you’ll be helping them to navigate the choppy waters of life, making them more resilient, empathetic adults.

Mosaic, the children’s bereavement charity has some really useful information for parents and children. Find their parents’ and guardians’ leaflet here.

For more information on my funerals and celebrations of life, please take a look at my website.

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Do you wonder if you could write a funeral tribute? I am here to say, YES you can! Why? Because the best tribute is genuine, heartfelt and simple. Many people think it must be formal and finely-crafted, using complex language. When the perceived standard is so high, it’s not surprising that many people run a mile from giving a tribute – even if they have lovely things to say. And then, another person ends up giving the tribute, just because they do a lot of work presentations or have a drama degree, which aren’t really the best criteria.

To my mind, the best funeral tribute isn’t the longest, or the shortest, the grandest, or the plainest. The best tribute is the one that captures something of  the character and life of the person who has died. And it’s delivered by the person who really wants to do it. It’s personal.

If you don’t know where to start

A lot of people say they’d like to say something at a funeral but have no idea where to start. It can be difficult to condense all your thoughts, feelings and memories into a 5 minute tribute. You may find starting with their date of birth really uninspiring. Try writing a thank you letter to the person who has died. Alternatively, make a list of everything that made them happy and see what stories and memories spring to mind. You might get random things like ‘gin and tonic’, ‘grandchildren’ and ‘fishing’ together and that’s all good.

What to say in a funeral tribute

Relevance

A tribute needs to be adapted to the audience. If you’re having a small family funeral, everyone will know about where Uncle George was brought up, his work promotions and his foreign travels BUT they probably won’t know about what he got up to with his teenage friends, smoking and lolling about in the park.

Scope

How much of the person’s life are you talking about? If it’s their whole life, don’t forget to talk to older family members or friends, to find out the bits you weren’t around for. A good tribute covers the full scope of someone’s life, unless there are solid reasons for not talking about certain things.

Detail

It’s always more interesting to hear anecdotes than straight facts.  You could say Granny made amazing roast potatoes but it’s more fun to hear about her secret recipe. Did she have one, or did she cheat and open a packet when no one was looking? This is a real story, and the answer is yes, she cheated!

Personality

What we treasure most about people we love is their unique collection of personal qualities. Talk about their strengths, and how they used them. You can also talk about their weaknesses, as long as it’s in an affectionate, respectful way. Sometimes it’s hard to think of the right descriptive words, but luckily Google has all those, handily listed under the search term: ‘list of personality traits’.

Humour

Is it ok to make a joke? Yes, if the person who has died was known for their sense of humour. If it feels right, you could tell one of their favourite jokes or a funny story that they often recounted. Make sure you’re sensitive to people’s feelings and remember that some jokes don’t stand the test of time. Sometimes, humour is just inappropriate: when there has been a sudden or unexpected death, or when it would be insensitive.

Legacy

It’s always poignant to talk about a person’s legacy – to you, your family, friends, the community or their field of work? It doesn’t have to be Nobel prizeworthy. It could just be simple – like how they taught you to manage your money, or plant vegetables, or make the most of every day.

Positivity

This is the golden rule of tributes. As my mother used to say: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. If you’re not sure whether to say something, that’s a definite sign not to say it. A funeral is never the time to air secrets, grievances or past mistakes. Keep it kind and positive.

For more information on my funerals, memorials and celebrations of life, please visit my funerals page. If you’d like any help writing a funeral tribute or eulogy, please contact me.

The post How to write a funeral tribute appeared first on Beautiful Day Celebrant.

If you’ve heard of natural burial grounds but aren’t exactly sure what they are or how they work, this blog is for you. I’ve led several funerals at a natural burial ground and each one has felt uplifting and  peaceful. I wonder whether being close to nature, observing the seasons come and go help us to accept that dying is a natural part of life.

Burial grounds, such as Ham Down, North Dorset pictured above, appeal to a wide variety of people for different reasons. Some people are concerned about climate change and want to find the most environmentally-friendly funeral option. Others have loved the countryside all their life and want a final resting place which reflects that. And there are others who are looking for a peaceful place, somewhere ‘far from the madding crowd’ and different to traditional town centre cemeteries.

I’m not saying that natural burial grounds are somehow better than cremation or burial in a cemetery or churchyard. This is probably the most personal decision any of us will make, whether it’s for ourselves or for someone we love. The right choice, in my view, will always be the one that feels right.

What does a natural burial ground look like?

When you arrive at a burial ground, you’ll notice that it looks quite different to a churchyard or cemetery. You won’t see any traditional graves, headstones, or tombs here. At first glance, all you see is a beautiful, natural scene. Gradually as you look closer, you will become aware of graves – they just aren’t stone ones.

Burial grounds aim to have the least possible impact on the environment. So, even as you won’t see headstones, nor will you see wind chimes, dream catchers or vases of artificial flowers. You will see young trees, wooden plaques and mown pathways but otherwise, the area is a natural habitat for the many species of wildlife that live there.

Higher Ground Meadow, Dorchester

What’s the most eco-friendly funeral?

The most eco-friendly option is to be buried in a coffin or a shroud, made of natural, sustainable and biodegradable materials. There are many types of eco-friendly wood and wicker coffins available which all look beautiful. Funeral shrouds are a less common choice but they too have an honesty and beauty about them, either dressed with flowers or just simply presented. Other things you might consider to make a funeral greener include asking your florist not to use floral foam, or oasis, which is not biodegradable. You might also choose recycled paper for your service sheets.

A lovely willow coffin by Weaverman

Can you bury ashes at a natural burial ground?

Yes, you can usually bury ashes at a natural burial ground, if you have opted for cremation – as many people do.

What kind of funeral can I have at a burial ground?

You can have any kind of ceremony you want. It can be quirky or traditional, contain religious elements or not. You can choose your funeral celebrant or minister of religion, according to your wishes and beliefs. You might want a real celebration, with everyone wearing bright colours, or you might want something more traditional and reflective.

Families sometimes ask: “What do other people do?” or “Will we upset people if we do something different?” In my experience, if the funeral is personal and feels right for the person who has died, those attending the funeral readily accept it, even if it’s new to them.

Funerals are changing and the ‘one size fits all attitude’ is being replaced with a more personal approach across the board, which is good news.

So, if you don’t want a service sheet, don’t have one. Bring the dog if you want to and hand out your nan’s favourite sweets if that feels right.

How can we make a funeral natural and personal?

To make a funeral feel personal, everything needs to feel true to the person who has died. A carefully written eulogy, music they loved and poems which express their philosophy of life all make a funeral feel special.

For a natural funeral, there are lots of poems which express a love of nature. I often use ancient Celtic prayers and blessings, which express spiritual ideas through our everyday experiences and nature. To me, as an independent celebrant, it’s essential that a funeral reflects the religious or spiritual views of the individual, as far as possible.

Is a natural burial expensive?

Every burial ground ought to be clear about their prices, so you can compare the different options. A good funeral director will help you manage and prioritise your various costs. They will also help you make savings on extras such as cars, flowers and service sheets, if you’re on a tight budget. Beautiful words and music cost nothing; flowers can be picked from the garden and bulbs planted up at home. Some of the loveliest funeral tributes I’ve seen were homemade.

Where can I find out more about natural burial grounds?

The best source of information and advice online is at The Natural Death Centre. You’ll find a list of natural burial grounds near you and answers to many common questions. Your funeral director will have experience of local burial grounds, so they can advise you too.

In Dorset, we are fortunate to have two beautiful natural burial grounds: Higher Ground Meadow near Dorchester and Ham Down Woodland Burial Ground, near Shillingstone.

“I should like to be buried in a summer forest where the dark steps blindfold, on cat foot-pads,
with the dawn almost touching it.”

From: I should like to be buried in a summer forest. a poem by Helen Dunmore (1952-)

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Knowing what to say, or what not to say to someone who is grieving isn’t easy. Words are often hard to find, hence the expression ‘I don’t know what to say’. As a celebrant, sometimes I meet several bereaved families each week, so getting this right is really important to me.

Our instinct is always to make things better, not worse, for someone who’s grieving. But many of us aren’t at all confident that we will help, or that we won’t make things worse, so sometimes we get stuck, not knowing what to do or say for the best.

If you’ve been bereaved, you are probably tuned in to what is helpful. If you haven’t but would like to be a good friend or relative, I hope this blog post will help you. It’s based purely on my observations and my personal and professional experience.

These are the two most common ways people communicate with someone who’s been bereaved.

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1. Give them space

OK, obviously not that much space. It’s very natural and perfectly understandable to back off or to stay quiet. We might think that someone really wants space to grieve. However, unless we ask, how will we know for sure? Maybe we’re jumping to conclusions, following some code we’ve heard, or basing our decision on our own experience.

When we say nothing, it’s logical to think there’s no risk of upsetting someone, or saying the wrong thing. However, as Julie Andrews said in The Sound of Music: ‘nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could.’

Our fear of making a mistake, of ‘not knowing what to say’ could actually be hurtful. Silence can easily be misinterpreted as not caring, which is precisely the opposite of what we want to achieve.

AND, deep-down we might also suspect that doing nothing helps us to dodge our own personal discomfort with death and loss. And that doesn’t feel good either.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css_animation=”” row_type=”row” use_row_as_full_screen_section=”no” type=”full_width” angled_section=”no” text_align=”left” background_image_as_pattern=”without_pattern” css=”.vc_custom_1561717587736{margin-bottom: 25px !important;}” z_index=””][vc_column][vc_column_text]

2. Do Something Lovely (And Give Them Space)

Another common response is to write a card or send flowers, which is undoubtedly a kind, generous act of care and concern. We might spend a lot of time choosing a card and planning carefully what we’re going to say. We reason that we won’t be disturbing or distressing anyone by ringing their doorbell or phoning them at the wrong time. This seems like the perfect, most sensitive approach. Or, is it?

We might still have that niggling thought though. Is this just another, slightly kinder cop-out?

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Is there an alternative? Yes, there is.

After a death, people can feel shocked, bewildered, numb, sad, low, confused and tired. With all that going on, they usually need more human contact, not less.

Practically, they might need help with things like shopping, gardening or driving to appointments. Has anyone ever refused a homemade cake or casserole? I don’t think so. Certainly not in my house.

Emotionally, many bereaved people appreciate the reassurance of having others around them and feeling that they are still important, while they are adjusting to their new circumstances. This process of adjustment can take as long as the proverbial bit of string. If you were to draw a graph of emotions during grief, the line would go up and down like a rollercoaster. They don’t generally follow a neat, straight line like a baby’s growth chart. Emotions are not very well-organised.

When it comes to talking to someone who is sad, our normal everyday chat is often handy. Phrases like: “how are things/ lovely day isn’t it/can you believe this traffic?” allow us to either briefly pass the time of day, or introduce a more personal chat.

When illness, death and grief come along, often in quick succession, these phrases don’t feel quite adequate. We want to say more, but how?[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css_animation=”” row_type=”row” use_row_as_full_screen_section=”no” type=”full_width” angled_section=”no” text_align=”left” background_image_as_pattern=”without_pattern” css=”.vc_custom_1561717587736{margin-bottom: 25px !important;}” z_index=””][vc_column][vc_column_text]

3: Everyone: be normal

I suggest we steamroller our worries and awkwardness and take the decision that being interested and compassionate is good enough.

As Winston Churchill famously said: KBO – Keep Buggering On. We need to treat someone who’s been bereaved, as we would normally do. Well, almost. Yes, we need to be extra-mindful of their feelings but we need to be ourselves, with all our capacity for flaws and blunders.

If we say something tactless, an immediate and sincere sorry is all that’s needed. Try not to take offence either if they don’t want to talk or are easily irritated. It’s a classic case of needing to put yourself in their shoes.

The worst thing if you’re feeling really sad and alone is people going into ‘sympathy-mode’ when they talk to you. The nodding head, sing-song voice and Bambi eyes – it’s just plain weird.

By behaving normally, we give the message that death and loss are tough but not terrifying, hard to talk about but not taboo.

We don’t need to direct the conversation towards or away from someone’s loss. We can chat about stuff like the weather, gardening, or a new TV series.

Some people crave general conversation when they’re grieving, which gives them a rest from their sadness. Others really want to talk about the person they’ve lost. We’re all different.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css_animation=”” row_type=”row” use_row_as_full_screen_section=”no” type=”full_width” angled_section=”no” text_align=”left” background_image_as_pattern=”without_pattern” css=”.vc_custom_1561717587736{margin-bottom: 25px !important;}” z_index=””][vc_column][vc_column_text]

Is there anything we shouldn’t say to someone who’s grieving?

Here are 4 pitfalls which are potentially difficult or hurtful.

1. “How are you?” can be a tough question to answer. Someone might feel they need to be brave to avoid embarrassing you, when they’re feeling terrible inside. If you want someone to feel they can express their emotions honestly, try saying: “How has this week been?” or “How are you feeling today?”. These are easier questions to answer honestly.

2. Details of a death are very private. Don’t ask questions about that unless the bereaved person has brought the subject up and, in that way, given you permission.

3. ‘At least’ may be followed by a false positive that a grieving person can’t relate to. It might point to a subconscious wish on our part to ‘tidy up death’ in our own minds. I frequently remind myself, it’s not for me to judge what seems like a good death. Here are 3 common ‘at leasts’:

• ‘At least he didn’t suffer’ – but maybe the family never got to say goodbye.
• ‘At least he had a good innings’ – but when someone is old, they have been loved for longer
• ‘At least you were there at the end’ – death is not always peaceful; being in a 999 situation can be very distressing

4. ‘Time heals’ and ‘life goes on’ are phrases that should stay in our heads. As a guideline, I think anything that might appear on a fridge magnet is probably hard to believe or annoying, especially in the early stages of grief.

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Don’t say anything, just listen

We get fixated on the right words but often it’s not what we say that matters but what we don’t say. Listening can be even more powerful that talking, with none of the pitfalls.

Listening is the kindest thing we can do for someone who is sad. It says a lot. Listening with our whole attention, without interrupting or wanting to rush off, is a gift. Listening helps people to talk freely and express their emotions. It helps them to feel understood and we all love being understood. Someone may want to talk a lot or hardly at all. Either way, we can listen. If there’s a silence, it doesn’t matter.

The quality we need a lot of is empathy, when we put our own feelings aside in the effort to really understand another person. We don’t need to distract them, direct them, try to carry their load or fix anything for them. We just need to listen.

When we are truly empathetic with someone who is grieving, I’m confident that all of us are highly skilled in knowing what to say and what not to say. Maybe we don’t realise it yet.

And finally, never ever underestimate the healing power of a simple cup of tea.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]

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