If you’re mulling this over, it might feel like you have two equally unappealing choices. Either you take your child to the funeral and risk them being upset, or leave them at school, feeling excluded. It sounds like a lose-lose, doesn’t it.

Our concerns about taking a child to a funeral

We all want to protect children from any potentially unpleasant or negative experiences. We think a funeral might make them feel too sad, seeing other people crying. They might feel afraid of the hearse, the black-suited bearers – the gloomy trappings of death. They might feel intimidated by so many new people and the unfamiliar surroundings. They might feel confused about where their relative is and what death actually means. Plus, there’s a lot of general fear, and creepy superstition around death, which really doesn’t help at all.

Why it’s good for children to go to funerals

As a celebrant, with experience of many funerals, I’m confident that children of all ages can benefit enormously from attending these ceremonies. With the comfort and love of their family, they learn vital life lessons about how we celebrate and mourn our loved ones when they die. The advice from experts and child bereavement charities is also that grief may be stalled if children don’t go to funerals, causing them emotional problems in the future.  I observed this when preparing a funeral for a father of 3 grown up children. These siblings (now in their 60s) told me how their mum had died while they were teenagers, and they hadn’t been allowed to go to her funeral. They had never properly grieved for her. Fifty years later, we created a space for that  unexpressed love and sadness, within their father’s funeral. It was very cathartic and emotional.

There may be times when it’s not appropriate for children to go to funerals and if they don’t want to go, that’s fine. If you don’t want them to go, it’s worth considering the reasons and whether there’s a way for them to come, so everyone benefits.

How to prepare a child for a funeral

What I’ve learned is that children usually cope very well at  funerals. Here are a few tips based on my experiences.

Get them involved with planning the funeral. Instead of putting emphasis on smart new clothes, which sends out a ‘party’ message, encourage them to contribute to the service or wake.  Children may like to share their memories, draw a picture or put a flower on the coffin.

Tell them what will happen. Show them pictures of the venue, the hearses, the funeral director and the service sheet, so they know what to expect.

Reassure them about things that won’t happen. Children have vivid imaginations, so answer their questions honestly. Let them know that the coffin lid is securely closed; a cremator is not scary – just like a large brick pizza oven, and they won’t see any fire or flames. They might be surprised that a funeral isn’t even half as long as their favourite film and then they’ll be heading off for sandwiches and cake. Forget the sandwiches, just the cake.

Humanise the process. Tell them about the personality of the funeral director; that the bearers are all grandads and only wear black out of respect. Talk about how you chose the flowers and who’ll be doing them, and who the celebrant is and what their role is. I find children are much more relaxed at the funeral when they’ve met me beforehand, on their home territory.

Talk about the bigger picture. Children often want to talk about what happens after death, so they feel comforted that their relative is safe and not lost. It’s helpful for them to explore different perspectives that might be different from your own, so that in time, they can develop their own viewpoint.

Express your feelings. Children, especially young children pick up on the atmosphere at a funeral, without always understanding the emotions. Let them know it’s normal to feel different ones – ranging from sadness that grandad has died, to laughing about a funny story. Children switch between emotions faster than adults, which is their way of coping. You can help your child understand that grief is manageable and everything will be OK.

On the day

Take something for your child to do, in case the service is long. You’ll notice that crematoria and churches are a lot more relaxed these days, so try not to worry about your child(ren). If their chat is very loud and disruptive, someone can be appointed to distract them, or go outside with them.

By taking your child to a funeral, you’ll be helping them to navigate the choppy waters of life, making them more resilient, empathetic adults.

Mosaic, the children’s bereavement charity has some really useful information for parents and children. Find their parents’ and guardians’ leaflet here.

For more information on my funerals and celebrations of life, please take a look at my website.

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If you’ve heard of natural burial grounds but aren’t exactly sure what they are or how they work, this blog is for you. I’ve led several funerals at a natural burial ground and each one has felt uplifting and  peaceful. I wonder whether being close to nature, observing the seasons come and go help us to accept that dying is a natural part of life.

Burial grounds, such as Ham Down, North Dorset pictured above, appeal to a wide variety of people for different reasons. Some people are concerned about climate change and want to find the most environmentally-friendly funeral option. Others have loved the countryside all their life and want a final resting place which reflects that. And there are others who are looking for a peaceful place, somewhere ‘far from the madding crowd’ and different to traditional town centre cemeteries.

I’m not saying that natural burial grounds are somehow better than cremation or burial in a cemetery or churchyard. This is probably the most personal decision any of us will make, whether it’s for ourselves or for someone we love. The right choice, in my view, will always be the one that feels right.

What does a natural burial ground look like?

When you arrive at a burial ground, you’ll notice that it looks quite different to a churchyard or cemetery. You won’t see any traditional graves, headstones, or tombs here. At first glance, all you see is a beautiful, natural scene. Gradually as you look closer, you will become aware of graves – they just aren’t stone ones.

Burial grounds aim to have the least possible impact on the environment. So, even as you won’t see headstones, nor will you see wind chimes, dream catchers or vases of artificial flowers. You will see young trees, wooden plaques and mown pathways but otherwise, the area is a natural habitat for the many species of wildlife that live there.

Higher Ground Meadow, Dorchester

What’s the most eco-friendly funeral?

The most eco-friendly option is to be buried in a coffin or a shroud, made of natural, sustainable and biodegradable materials. There are many types of eco-friendly wood and wicker coffins available which all look beautiful. Funeral shrouds are a less common choice but they too have an honesty and beauty about them, either dressed with flowers or just simply presented. Other things you might consider to make a funeral greener include asking your florist not to use floral foam, or oasis, which is not biodegradable. You might also choose recycled paper for your service sheets.

A lovely willow coffin by Weaverman

Can you bury ashes at a natural burial ground?

Yes, you can usually bury ashes at a natural burial ground, if you have opted for cremation – as many people do.

What kind of funeral can I have at a burial ground?

You can have any kind of ceremony you want. It can be quirky or traditional, contain religious elements or not. You can choose your funeral celebrant or minister of religion, according to your wishes and beliefs. You might want a real celebration, with everyone wearing bright colours, or you might want something more traditional and reflective.

Families sometimes ask: “What do other people do?” or “Will we upset people if we do something different?” In my experience, if the funeral is personal and feels right for the person who has died, those attending the funeral readily accept it, even if it’s new to them.

Funerals are changing and the ‘one size fits all attitude’ is being replaced with a more personal approach across the board, which is good news.

So, if you don’t want a service sheet, don’t have one. Bring the dog if you want to and hand out your nan’s favourite sweets if that feels right.

How can we make a funeral natural and personal?

To make a funeral feel personal, everything needs to feel true to the person who has died. A carefully written eulogy, music they loved and poems which express their philosophy of life all make a funeral feel special.

For a natural funeral, there are lots of poems which express a love of nature. I often use ancient Celtic prayers and blessings, which express spiritual ideas through our everyday experiences and nature. To me, as an independent celebrant, it’s essential that a funeral reflects the religious or spiritual views of the individual, as far as possible.

Is a natural burial expensive?

Every burial ground ought to be clear about their prices, so you can compare the different options. A good funeral director will help you manage and prioritise your various costs. They will also help you make savings on extras such as cars, flowers and service sheets, if you’re on a tight budget. Beautiful words and music cost nothing; flowers can be picked from the garden and bulbs planted up at home. Some of the loveliest funeral tributes I’ve seen were homemade.

Where can I find out more about natural burial grounds?

The best source of information and advice online is at The Natural Death Centre. You’ll find a list of natural burial grounds near you and answers to many common questions. Your funeral director will have experience of local burial grounds, so they can advise you too.

In Dorset, we are fortunate to have two beautiful natural burial grounds: Higher Ground Meadow near Dorchester and Ham Down Woodland Burial Ground, near Shillingstone.

“I should like to be buried in a summer forest where the dark steps blindfold, on cat foot-pads,
with the dawn almost touching it.”

From: I should like to be buried in a summer forest. a poem by Helen Dunmore (1952-)

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